I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
