Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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