I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
whose ass print is on the piano?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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