you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
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