I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
