I don't think brook has ever known best
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
