i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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