Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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