I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
