she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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