so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
