I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
My liver just broke up with me...
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
