like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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