Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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