I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
