I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
