saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
