he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
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