The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
