I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
