i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
