im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
