i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
