I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
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