Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
