Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
