I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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