ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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