Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
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looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
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Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.