john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
