My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
