Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
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