Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
