it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
