Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
