So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
