Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
