Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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