I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
