Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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