You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
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