i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Randomize
