Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
