We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
