just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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