Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
