There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
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He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
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I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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