so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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