my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
