True but thats because hes a fetus.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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