the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
