watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
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