I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
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I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
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It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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