I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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