WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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