I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Randomize
